Fraud.

I’ve always felt like a bit of a fraud.  I read accounts of other members of HoN and they just know so much.  It’s been seven years since my divining, and I admit to not being much closer to my Father and Beloveds than I was that first year.  You might think well didn’t you say you stepped away for awhile?

Yes, I did.  From the temple.  From the people.  It’s not really an excuse to abandon research and bonding with Them that I have made a vows to.

Also… I started fading away around 2014 with a hard step back in 2016.  That’s still two years.  The gods may not experience time as we do – but that was a lot of time for me to have learned, well, anything.

Confession: I’ve never even read the Prayerbook.

Mind you, this is not a requirement by the temple, or by Hemet (AUS).  It’s not a requirement from anyone.  But it is the single best source of rituals, prayers, and information about what it means to practice Kemetic Orthodox in existence.  It’s a text that I should constantly refer back to.  It’s a text that removes the research middleman from my spiritual process.

And I’ve never read it.

Hence, fraud.

Oh yes, let that paranoid negativity flow, Shu.  You wanted to make a series of “look at all the things I’m doing in service of Netjer” and instead you’ve crawled in here on your hands and knees begging for forgiveness.

Yes, I admit I’m being dramatic.  But I’m also letting my thoughts flow freely after a heavy night of sleep.  I know I dreamed, but I can’t remember what happened.  But this is how I feel this morning, and I’ve always felt it’s important to be honest with myself.  I need to do things differently this time.  I need to make changes, I need to really be present.  I fear that if I do not, I’ll just slide back into spiritual obscurity again.

I am actually working on projects and life routines in service to Netjer, but I don’t want to clutter this space with mixed energies, so expect to hear more on that later.